It happened four years ago, maybe four and a half, maybe five. A friend who I already been in love with was back in town after six moths away. She wrote to me and said she had bought me a gift. During the time she was away we had this fight and spend some time without talk to each other. So I decided to call her. No meaning,I was just bored at home. My best friend at the time wasn´t returning any of my calls and I had absolutelly nothing better to do.
She said that she was in a bar in a “gay street” and that several of her friends were there, that I had to meet this friend of hers and to come there. So I put a T – shirt, a bermuda and a converse, a little make up, as usual and went. I had just cut my hair, it was really really short and sort of tomboyish, but in a cute kind of way, like Mia Farrow, with the exception that I was still a brunette.
On my way there, some guys though that I was a teenage boy. I passed through them and saw my friends. They were hanging out by the beach, drinking bear. Everyone looked kind of drunk. There were five of us. A guy and four girls. All gay or bi or trying to figure these things out. I really liked these girlfriend of mine but I always had a secret crush on one of her best friends. Never said anything thou, to anyone. I started to drinking bear, we went to the sand, just babbling things with no meaning, laughing a lot.
So, someone thought that we could go to our guy´s friend house. It was the perfect place. A home to all of us. We could open a botlle of wine and continuing to have fun. We talked about pretty much everything. But, when you´re young, at some point, all the talking is about people we find interesting, pasting relationships, sex and all the things that involve feelings, emotions, things that make us turn on. We drank a lot. All the time I felt compelled to be near these crush of mine but the truth is that I don´t think she ever saw me. As far as I can say, she never even payed attention to me.
One of the girls were her girfriend and started to talk that in college, she had seen these beautiful tattoed girl but her only flaw is that she was a little over-weighted. She kept repeating that. We all heard the first time and decided to just ignore her comment but she didn´t understood that or she was really trying to cause some sort of reaction in us.
My crush were her ex girfrienf and seemed a litlle offended but didn´t say anything. We just could tell by a quick and fulminant look she gave to the girl that never shut up.
She decided to go to sleep. Alone. Surely we were boring her. When she is not the center of attention, she is not satisfied. All of the sudden, my girl (at least, I wish she was) broke the poker face and started to cry. I didn´t know what I could do. I barely knew here. Her other friends were talking, tried to calm her down for a while. I stand up – and that was when I first noticed how drunk I was – and hugged her. I remember thinking: that girl don´t deserve a single tear of you. She is just full of crap, thinking she is awesome but she is so annoying and so insecure that, the only way she can feel better about herself is ignore the rest of the world and step on people´s head. I don´t record saying that.
I sitted a while at her side and she stand up and went to kitchen. The girl I was once in love with started to talk to me and we kissed. Nothing much, nothing new. No new spark, just lack of emotions… too much wine, too much memories, I really don´t know what was going to my head. I had a dry spell, was without sex for six months and it was starting to make me nervous and jumpy everytime someone touched me.
She had a trip so she left, still confused about what happened. Why we kissed and everything. It didn´t matter that much to me. I went on my friend´s bedroom and saw my girl lying on the top bed. So I laid next her and hold her. Told her that I found her oh, so beautiful and that if a person could see that, others could see too. I told her that she could not accept that and gave her another hug. I started to cuddle with her. She was really close, I could smell the scent of her shampoo – wich, by the way, I still remember – I could feel her breath, she didn´t move. I didn´t know if she wanted to be there or if I was just pushing something. I remember struggling in my head thinking: Come on, kiss her. She is in bed with you, in your arms. She wants it. Come on, do something, anything! I was beggining to feel a little dizzed. Not knowing what to do. It felt like I had a little angel in one shoulder and a little devil in the other, just like the comercials.
The angel said to me: Do absolutely nothing. Do not try anything, she is way too vulnerable, she was crying, she don´t want to kiss you. You are not her type, she barely even look at you, why in hell would she want to kiss you. You will end up being punched or something, creating an unconfortable situation for everyone.
So I did nothing. I still tried to show her a couple of times that I care for her. A crush, especially an unrequired one, does not simple goes away. It is just supressed. Every now and then you remember it. Remember what you wish you done, remember the fear, the butterflies, even think if you can still fix it. But you just end up getting more and more frustrated.